saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
