so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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