I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Randomize
