You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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