I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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