Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
