I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
