i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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