he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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