I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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