I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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