Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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