i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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