I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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