Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
