Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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