CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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