I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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