I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
