I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize