When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Welp...herpes.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
