Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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