TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
