We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You left your phone here
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