I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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