I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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