I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
