I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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