Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
