mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
