So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
