I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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