I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
