I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
