Have you finally orgasmed yet?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
