Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
