Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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