u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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