and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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