just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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