She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize