I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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