I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
