so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
