Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
