We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
