Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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