We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
