If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
