either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You made out with two different species that night
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
