I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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