My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Randomize
