I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize