someone threw a dead crab at me
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
