This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
