Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
