You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
