the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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