I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
