You're my little dorito
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Randomize
